Holding Tension

Dearest Reader,

It has been far too long for some and for others, you’ve been waiting with baited breath to see if I would post a blog as I have said that I would many a times as of recent. Finally, you can lay to rest when it shall happen, and rest assured that the words you may have found comfort in, knowing you’re not the only person in this world to feel the feels you’ve been feeling, have started to come alive in the very internet before you.

May I start with a small introduction:

My name is Gillian. Some of you know believe you know much about me. Others of you know the truth in part. To such, there are basic facts that can and should be revealed to color context for what you’re about to read.

I’m a daughter. I’m a sister. I’m a wife. I’m a mother. I’m a friend. I’ve battled many challenges that will unfold on the screen in front of you with my reflections on the things that have transpired in my life. And while I’m no Whistledown, I do love to write.

I will be the first to admit, I’ve had unmerited favor in my life since I was small. I’ve been blessed to travel around the world. I’ve been given cars, opportunities, and have had multiple successful businesses in my past lives. At one point, I thought to be ashamed of it. I thought that if I made mention of the favor I’ve been given, people would consider me bragadocious. I’m not, though. Facts are facts. And part of my shame in providing this information was brought upon me by those closest to me. I’ve been made to feel like it’s unfair and I should conceal whatever has been gifted to me.

Let me be very clear: It is very unfair what I’ve been given. The only explanation I have is I’ve stewarded the rewards and relationships associated with my blessings well. This has seemingly upset others around me and caused quite a bit of strife and jealousy due to someone staring at what I have and not being thankful for what they have; only noticing their lack. However, every blessing I have has come at a cost; a tremendous, unimaginable cost.

In my short 33 years of life, I’ve lost my mother. Not only was she my mother, but she was my best friend and like a soul mate. She understood things about me that no one else can or will be able to in the way that she did. She anticipated what I felt before I felt it. She anticipated both joy and pain, and knew how to console me in my deepest places. Losing my mother was my greatest loss.

I’ve lost the same cars that I’ve been blessed with in accidents that left me scrambling to figure out how to walk. One such accident left me paralyzed for months from the waist down where I needed a wheelchair and walker to get around.

I’ve been homeless. I literally slept in the backseat of a car that I used to Uber people around in because I felt I had nowhere else to go. I could barely afford the maintenance or payment, but somehow the Lord allowed me to keep that car.

I’ve been jobless. I’ve used state benefits. I’ve maximized the most out of coupons and soup kitchens. All this to say, I’ve had lack.

For anyone to believe I’ve not lacked in my life in the things that they’ve lacked in is seriously mistaken. But in all things, I’ve never lacked what I truly needed.

I’ve never lacked friendships. I’ve never lacked community. I’ve never lacked joy.

Have I lacked hope at times? 1000% you bet. The promise that it would get better still eludes me from time to time, even with all that I have. But one thing is for sure and two things are for certain: I cling to the hem of Jesus garment when I’m weak because I can’t hold myself up.

This past week, we celebrated my mother’s birthday. As I’ve stated earlier, that was my soul. This birthday, though, was bitter sweet. It was one where tension was held. I recognized that two conflicting truths can exist about someone and both can bring healing and pain simultaneously. It caused reflection, not only on my mother’s life, but mine and that of the family I grew up in. It was challenging. It brought me to my knees. It brought me to tears. Anyone who has lost someone they loved greatly, deeply and truly, both naturally and relationally, can feel guilt when they experience two contending truths about the person. You’ll need time to process that. You’ll need time to also acknowledge that you’re in process. And you’ll also need to release to gain peace.

I can say that I have always had abundance AND I’ve lacked greatly in material ways

I can say that I have been blessed beyond measure AND I’ve needed to be uplifted when my tank is empty

I can say that my mother was great AND she was human and flawed in ways that I needed her as a young person

I can say that I have great faith AND my hope has left my soul when my flesh is being refined in fire

While I have plenty of people who criticize me for a variety of reasons, those who know my character and have watched me endure know who I am. I’m a villain to some, and a victor to others. But in this moment of true vulnerability in experiencing the peaks and valleys simultaneously, I’m a human with deep scars that still need to be healed. There’s grace for me here. Hopefully you find grace for yourself too.